Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
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Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Her: You鈥檙e always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
what is cheese if not milk persevering
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
it must be school picture day
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Pro tip: if you have a student鈥檚 mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 馃敟 with 馃敟
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you鈥檙e the port. It鈥檚 still good but a little hurtful.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows