I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
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I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Now, where’s the sport in that?
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”