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Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?