Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
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[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)