hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
You Might Also Like
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.