I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
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I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.