I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
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*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
So that’s what we looked like?
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
This is I, Robot all over again
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.