*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
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2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.