Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
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Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Vodka burrito was a success
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you