Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
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*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Print is alive and well!!!
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
🤔😂😂
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.