[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
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I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
My boss called in sick of me
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout