you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
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Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Thank you corporation very cool
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.