Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
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ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.