Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
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Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums