my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
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Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
What the hell is going on?
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Denise please return my vape pen
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!