People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
You Might Also Like
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes