Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
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2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”