Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
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Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.