mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
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If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
#NeverForget
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Nice try, NASA
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.