GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
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My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
So glad we cleared that up
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?