Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
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Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
*seductively eats two tums*
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
*looks at you in batman voice*
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?