Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
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[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Netflix: We have Less
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.