me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
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Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
this isn’t threatening at all
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”