[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
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“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Squirrels before girls.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.