I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
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Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
what the hell pray for carter everyone
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.