Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
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I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*