Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
You Might Also Like
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?