“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
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“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Where is your GOD now????
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address