Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
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All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.