Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
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A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Friday
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
he was correct
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit