Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
You Might Also Like
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
My birth announcement for our third baby
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.