I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
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This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I can鈥檛 stop laughing 馃ぃ
Too bad we can鈥檛 get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute鈥攕ay it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I鈥檓 freaking the hell out.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
if i text you “馃ぉ” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
This is the best one I’ve seen
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
when someone compliments me
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.