[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
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ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
wtf management?!
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.