people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
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Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Huge, if true.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Born to be mild.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭