I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
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someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.