Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
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Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.