There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
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Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.