if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
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When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.