I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
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NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
She: I like Cats
He:
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Fluff me with a fork baby
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
my lower back watching me try to live my life
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
*sewing*
A thread
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
when nothing goes right… go left
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.