incredible book dedication
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you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Van Gone
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him