hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
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me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Canada has crack?
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..