(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
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Alarms are for people without children or puppies
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
@ candidates for local office
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.