I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
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I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..