Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
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Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.