WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
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What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
peak technology
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.