[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
You Might Also Like
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad