Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
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My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Sharon I have some bad news
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
A tragic love story in two pictures.