Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
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[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
*jazz hands*
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.