Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
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Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Sharon I have some bad news
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”