By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
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[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
i love meeting boys on tinder